Thursday, November 11, 2010


My friends keep accusing me of "nesting." I am 4 1/2 weeks out from having a baby, and I have tons of stuff going on.

A big chunk of it is trying to get as many doctor and dentist visits for the kids done as possible before the baby comes. That's not something I'm choosing to do, but something that has to be done, and this way will be easier than trying to do it with a newborn.

A big chunk of it, though, is me fighting my brain. When I'm pregnant, I usually struggle constantly with anxiety and intrusive, dark thoughts whenever I don't take my vitamins.  Vitamins have always kept it in check with every pregnancy so far, and I've learned to just ignore the anxiety and negativity as "not real." This pregnancy, though, while harder with the fibromyalgia, has been easier on the anxiety. That's a huge blessing because it's been an extremely stressful pregnancy. But I think my brain is trying to make up for it these last 4 weeks. Even with my vitamins, I find myself worrying that every car that goes by is going to crash into my front yard or shoot at my house, and that every time Tim leaves the house he won't be coming home. I know there are meds for this kind of thing--and I'm not opposed to them. Even during pregnancy. However, I also know that it will all disappear as soon as the baby comes (like instantly when the baby comes) and, if my past repeats, not even recur as post-partum depression. It really just vanishes like mist in the sunshine for me. I also know that a lot of psychiatric drugs take a few weeks to start working--and we don't have a few weeks left. So I'm biding my time, reminding myself that Tim and the baby are both fine and that my brain is just playing tricks on me and I don't have to a) listen to it, or b) take it seriously. (Which actually works for me, crazy as it might seem.)

What does all that have to do with nesting?


Work has always eased any kind of stress, depression, or anxiety I feel. So I'm not nesting out of a compulsion to get my house in order before the baby comes. Rather, I'm "nesting" in an effort to fight back against my mis-firing brain and keep it functioning as well as it can until after Thanksgiving, when I will see if the doctor can hurry things along a little bit (strip my membranes, maybe? That's worked twice before....). Work is the magic cure for anxiety. Work is also the best distraction I know of when things are hard, challenging, scary, or downright difficult to get through.

So I keep working.

If it were normal nesting for most people, I'd be cleaning the stove and bathrooms, putting toys into their boxes, and generally organizing the house. If it were normal "nesting" for me, I'd be finishing novels and quilts and other projects that I have laying around. Instead, I'm just about to install hardwood flooring in the baby's room....

It might be "nesting." But to me, it's just good, hard work. Just what I need.

1 comment:

C. Wilson said...

Hey Becca,

Good luck in your last few weeks. I had the same stuff happen while pregnant with Samuel. Super-high anxieties about bad things happening to my family and people breaking in in the middle of the night. It would even keep me up when I was tired. All of that only happened during the last month or two of pregnancy though. I also spent my days fixing things, replacing things and staying as busy as possible.

It will most likely start to go away when the baby is born. Mine did. I wouldn't worry about medications just yet! I think it's part of a mammal's natural protective instinct and sometimes it gets kicked into a much higher gear than usual--probably because of stress. At least we don't eat our babies when we're stressed! ;)